Spock in the toilet
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet? A: The Captain's log.

Door Hinge

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.

When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn’t have any screws for it, so he asked her ”Do you want a screw for that hinge?”

She looked back at him and said ”No, but I’ll blow you for that toaster in the window.”

Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Chastity Belt for the Crusader’s Wife

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?’ ” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

Winter Lovers

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,”‘Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Mama mia, what’s a honeymoon?

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what they’re supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom’s mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. The groom calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother’s advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!” and hangs up on him. A few minutes later, he reluctantly calls his mother back, “Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?”

Paying the Price of Marriage

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely.

Mildred objected, “William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude.” “Mildred, she’s a prostitute.” “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing? “Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.” In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” She did.

Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. “So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said. William asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Candie laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.” “Well,” said William, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.”

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.” William said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.” At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

Furrier Funnies

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.” “No problem! I’ll write you a check!” “Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared.”

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in here? There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!”

“I just had to come by,” grinned Sam, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

Bedside Confession

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I’ve got acute angina
Ted: You’re breasts aren’t bad either.