Viagra
Little old lady goes into chemists she asks pharmacist whether viagra works. Chemists says that it does. Old lady says "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies "Only if I take 6".

The birds and the bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

I don’t want to know! Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

Oh Pop, Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

Finding the Lord

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?’”

Feet First

One day little Johnny was in Sunday School, and the preacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said your heart, ’cause you need it to love.
Richie said your head, ’cause you need it to think.
Little Johnny raised his hand and the pastor called on him reluctantly. Johnny said, “Your feet.”
Confused, the pastor asked why.
Johnny replied, “I was walking past my mom’s room last night and she had her feet in the air and then she screamed, Oh God, I’m coming!”

Venus

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, “What do you like best about it, class? Let’s start with you, Robert.”
Robert: “The artwork.”
Teacher: “Very good. And you, Peter?”
Peter: “Her tits!”
Teacher: “Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall! And you, Johnny?”
Johnny: “I’m leaving, teacher, I’m leaving…”

Higher Grade

Johnny says, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!”

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal’s office and explained Johnny’s request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny’s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Johnny: “9″
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Johnny: “36″
Principal: “What is 9 x 9?” Johnny: “81″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnny can go on to the third grade.”

The teacher, knowing Little Johnny’s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, “Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?”

The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.

The teacher began by asking, “What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?” Johnny: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal’s eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny ’s expected answer, Johnny said: “Pockets.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!”

Can You Guess?

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

“Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell me what fruit I’m talking about.”

“Okay, first: it’s round, plumb and red.”

Of course, Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered, “An
apple.”

“No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”

Well, Little Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

“Is it a peach?”

“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like the way you’re thinking. Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”

By now, Little Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

“A banana,” she says.

“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”

Little Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

“Hey, I’ve got one for you, teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it’s got a head on it.”

“Little Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”

“Nope,” answers Little Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”

Outside of a tree

Teacher: “Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Johnny: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Johnny, bark.”
Johnny: “Bow, wow, wow!

Proper Grammer

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!” Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, just f****** beautiful!’”