Hot Dog
Customer: "Give me a hot dog." Waiter: "With pleasure." Customer: "No, with mustard."

Sharing

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, “Don’t worry - we have plenty of those where I come from.”

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying…

Lawyers’ Word Processor

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Think

A witness to a car crash kept saying things like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still raining.”

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, derisively saying, “We don’t really care what you think. What do you know?”

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “I guess I may as well leave the witness stand, then. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”

Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in his blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty!’ So your Honor, I can not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance, the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

Panties

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

License Please

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign ”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Guilty Look

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

Lawyer Business

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.

“How’s business?” asked the first.

“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”