At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”
He calls up the lawyer.
“Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”
The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…”
“Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…”
“Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…”
“The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?”
Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?”
“67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop.
“But if you already knew, officer”, replied Bob, “why did you ask me?”
Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!”
Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!”
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob.
“What did you say, boy?” asked the patrol-man.
“I’m a rectum stretcher!”
The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?”
Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across”.
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot ass-hole?”
Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?
A: There’s skid marks before the dog.
The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you”, the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity”.
The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, “What’s the catch?”.
A man bursts into the doctor’s office screaming “Doctor, doctor, my penis-it’s bright orange. I have no idea what’s wrong!”
The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and sure enough the man’s manhood is bright orange, almost fluorescent. He says “put your pants back on while I go look through my books”
The doctor comes back after a while and tells the man that he has never seen any thing like it in his life, and he can’t seem to find it in his books. “What do you do for a living?” asks the doctor.
“I’m a lawyer” replies the man.
“Well, does it hurt?” the doctor asks.
“No I can’t feel a thing”.
“Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?”
“Nope, I don’t have time for that stuff being a lawyer”.
“You must have some kind of sex.” says the doctor.
“No, I don’t have time! Every day I go to work, I come home, grab a bag of cheetos, and watch a porno flick.”