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Twins

Posted in Irish

Did you here about the Irishman who came bounding into his local shouting to his pal,”I got twins, i got twins”
His Irish mate looks at him bewildered and says,”do you know who the other father is?

Dying Irishman

Posted in Irish

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O’Brian grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another.

Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, “O’Brian, come ‘ere O’Brian. I ‘ave a request for ye”.

O’Brian walks to his friend’s bedside and kneels down.

“O’Brian, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m dying ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do”.

O’Brian bursts into tears, “Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It’s done”.

“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity”.

O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend’s request. “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”

Learning Spanish

Posted in Irish

Joseph, an Irishman planning a trip to Spain for saint Patrick’s day, decides to enrol at a language college to learn Spanish. But he doesn’t get round to it until the night before he departs.

The professor in charge tells him there is no way he can learn Spanish in one evening, but if he just speaks v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y the Spanish will understand him just fine.

So next morning, Joseph happily departs on his once-in-a-lifetime Spanish st pa tricks day experience.

On the morning of saint Patrick’s day itself, with the Mediterranean sun shining brightly in a clear blue sky, he wanders into the nearest bodega and, remembering the professor’s words, says ever so carefully, “o-n-e b-e-e-r, p-l-e-a-s-e.”

the barman looks up, smiles cheerfully to signify he understands, replies just as slowly, “c-e-r-t-a-I-n-l-y”, and gives him the beer. Making friendly conversation, he continues, “a-n-d w-h-e-r-e d-o y-o-u c-o-m-e f-r-o-m ?”

“I’-m f-r-o-m I-r-e-l-a-n-d”, Joseph replies.

“A-m-a-z-I-n-g ! S-o a-m I. W-h-e-r-e-a-b-o-u-t-s I-n I-r-e-l-a-n-d ?” asks the barman

“I h-a-v-e l-I-v-e-d a-l-l m-y l-I-f-e u-n-t-I-l y-e-s-t-e-r-d-a-y I-n a l-I-t-t-l-e t-o-w-n c-a-l-l-e-d s-k-I-b-b-a-r-e-e-n. ”

“I-n-c-r-e-d-I-b-l-e. I’-m f-r-o-m s-k-I-b-b-a-r-e-e-n t-o-o !” answers the barman.

“W-e-l-l, I-f w-e’-r-e b-o-t-h f-r-o-m s-k-I-b-b-a-r-r-e-e-n”, says Joseph, “w-h-y I-n t-h-e h-e-l-l a-r-e w-e t-a-l-k-I-n-g t-o e-a-c-h o-t-h-e-r I-n s-p-a-n-I-s-h ?”

Long illness

Posted in Barroom, Irish

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you … you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month”.

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints”.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS”.

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion …”Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer…? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?”.

Murphy said, ” I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone”.

Irish Nut House

Posted in Irish

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it’s most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

“Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?” said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. “Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?”

“I would be half blind of course,” Patty answered without much thought.

“What would happen if I poked out the other eye?”

“I would be completely blind,” said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike’s files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. “Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?”

“I would be blind in one eye,” he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.”

“Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?”

“I would be completely blind,” he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, “Me hat would fall down over me eyes.”