Two fat blokes
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Bird Brained

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; “Dat’s Dem”. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

Yeah, we”ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere, says Mick, “Put dem in a pepper bag”

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick’s van
and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

Dis looks loike a grand place, says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed
by a loud “Splat!”

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

Focket Dat, Paddy says, “dis budgie jumpin’ is too dangerous for me…”

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar “pepper bag.”

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

Watch this Paddy he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Read more

Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.” A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?” The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?” The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a fifty pound note.” The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?” The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week??????!!!!” The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Irish Prayer

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”

Irish Checkpoint

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: “It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro.” “What do you mean it is illegal?” asked the Englishmen. “Quattro means four” replies Paddy. “Quattro is just the name of the automobile,” the Englishmen retorts in disbelief. “Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.” “You can’t pull that one on me,” replies Paddy “Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.” The Englishmen replies angrily, “You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!” “Sorry,” responds Paddy, “Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.”

Thinking Fast

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.

After much deliberation the Englishman said, “I believe it is the process of thought, It comes to one in a flash.”

“Good try” agreed the Scot, “but I think Blinking is even quicker.”

“Pretty good but not quick enough,” quipped the Welshman. “I am sure electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light”

After a few moments Paddy cut in,” I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins!”

“What the f*** are you talking about, Paddy?” chimed the three other guys.

“Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I s*** myself!

Have a good weekend.

Skeptical Irishman

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy. “Oh yes.” the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried

“BeGabbers, He’s Right…Farty-two!”"

How to make an Irishman Mad

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to make him mad. He walked over to the irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!” “You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!” “Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.” Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. “Your right, he is unshakable!” The third English man said: “No, no, no, I will really make him mad, you just watch.” The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said…”I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!” “Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Water to Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”