(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke’s hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down….)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No, Luke… I am your father!

Luke: No! It’s not true! It’s impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true.

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him — when I was only seven years old.

Luke: No!

Darth Vade : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.

Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!

Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it’s not my fault…

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go… ‘Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… boo hoo, my daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith…waahhh wahhh!’

Luke: Shut up.

Darth Vader: You’re a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar’s Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor…! Listen, ten years old and winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer — right here, baby! (Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)

Darth Vader : I was wrong. You’re not my kid. I don’t know whose you are, but you sure ain’t mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)

Darth Vader : Get a haircut!’

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Just keep in mind this was on live radio….”
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they’re married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other’s name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.”

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know “Mate Match”?”

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.
(more…)

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During the blitz when many clocks were destroyed, Londoners could tell the time by watching a dog throw itself off a highboard which it did precisely every 60 seconds, 24 hours a day over 8 months

from Brasseye (episode “Animals”), Channel 4 1997

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Martin Clunes on Have I Got News For You (BBC TV)

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day or shall I whop it up thee right away?

… Ah yes I’ve done the classics.

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Snow-white’s seven dwarfs visit the Pope in Rome. After seeking the pontiff’s blessings, the other six push Sleepy in front. Sleepy sheepishly asks the Pope, “Father, do you have nuns”? “Yes my son”, says the Pope, “We have lots”.

Sleepy looks back at the others and says, “I told you they had nuns”. “ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM”, say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, “Father,do you have black nuns”? “Of course, my son”, replies the Pope, “We have several”.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, “I told you they had black nuns”. “ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM”, say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, “Father, do you have dwarf nuns”? “Well yes my son, of course we do”, says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, “I told you they had dwarf nuns”. “ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM”, say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, “Father, do you have black dwarf nuns then”? “Yes my son, we do”, says the Pope.

Sleepy turns to the others and says, “I told you they had black dwarf nuns”. “ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM”, say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, “Father, do you have nuns in Antarctica”? “So we do, my son, in every part of the earth”, answers the Pope. Sleepy turns to the others and says, “See, I told you they had nuns in Antarctica”. “ASK HIM, ASK HIM, ASK HIM”, say the others. So Sleepy turns around and asks the Pope, “Father, do you have black dwarf nuns in Antarctica”?

After a moment’s thought, the Pope replies, “I wouldn’t think so, son”. Sleepy seems very embarrassed. All the others chorus, “SLEEPY ****ED A PENGUIN, SLEEPY ****ED A PENGUIN, …..”

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