Lawyers' Word Processor
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Dennis Pennis (Top 6)

Wrestlemania

Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called “The Russian Pretzel,” which often landed his opponents in the hospital.

When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, “Coach, he’s HUGE. I’m scared.”

The coach replied, “You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!”

The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room.

The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out.

The coach said, “C’mon, son. You’re our last chance!”

The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American’s hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it.

Well Coach, when that damn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them… HARD! You’d be surprised what you can do when you bite your own nuts!

‘Love All’ tennis

A Disney Break Up

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now and after hearing of Barbie and Ken’s break up, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, “She’s been a problem since day one. I’m glad you finally saw that she’s crazy.” Mickey looks at Donald and replies, “No, I broke up with her because she’s f*****g goofy”

Game Show Quotes

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Read more

Al Bundy at the Dentist

Chanel 9 Neus

Spock in the toilet

Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise’s toilet?
A: The Captain’s log.