An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. “Okay”, he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart”.
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding. One bloke says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 95 years old, and she’s just 24! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family”.
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding”.
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting.
The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting.
The third retiree began his story, “I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn’t take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could”. The old man paused. “You talk about excitement,” he continued, “I was in the wrong damn room!”
Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, “You’re having an anniversary soon, right?”
The other replied, “Yup, a big one, 20 years”.
“Wow,” said the other, “What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?”
The other replied, “We’re going on a trip to Australia.”
“Wow, Australia, that’s some gift!” said the other man. “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?”
“Go back and get her”.