Dogs Balls
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

Toothbrush Salesman

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn”t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That’’s not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss
says, “Look, you”re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip”
A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like shit.”

And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

How To Get A Raise

A boss tells his new employee, “I’ll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?”
“In 3 months”.

Sex In Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”

The Riddle of the Missing Dollar

Bit of maths training ….

Three guys go to a hotel. They tell the man behind the desk that they want 3 rooms. He says, “”10 dollars per room so that’’s 30 dollars.”"So they pay and go up to their rooms. Then, the deskman remembers that there is a special for 3 rooms for $25. He gives the bellhop the $5 change and tells him to take it up to them. On the way, the bellhop realizes that he doesn”t know how to split it 3 ways so he keeps 2 and gives 1 to each man.

My question is: If after the dollar refund each man paid 9 dollars and $9 x 3 men equals $27 and the bellhop only has $2, then what happened to the other dollar?

Boom & Bust

In light of the recent financial turmoil, here’s some sound advice

If you had purchased £1,000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1,000 would have been worth £16.50, £1,000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1,000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Understanding Marketing

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, “She’s/He’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

Loan

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application,
“What are you going to do with the money?”

“Take jewellery to city and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put in tepee.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for collateral?”

Banking Crisis

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.