This guy sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of tequila and downs them straight. The bartender impressed asks “Hey buddy did you have a long day?”

The man replies that he just found out that his brother was gay and leaves.

The next day the same guy comes in and orders ten shots. The bartender asks if he is still dealing with his brothers sexual orientation and the man replies “No i just found out my son is gay too.”

The bartender is appropriately sympathetic and the man leaves.

The third night the man comes in and orders 25 shots and downs them all. Stunned the bartender asks “Damn man doesn’t anyone in your family likes women?”

The man forcefully replies “Well apparently my wife does!”

Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us form hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

“So?”

“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.