It’s closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. “God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours”.
“Sneaking’s not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling ‘Hey baby, let’s f***’. When I do that, my wife always pretends she’s sound asleep”.
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand”.
“So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?”
“Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, “When I drink, everybody drinks!”. Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.
Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, “When I drink again, everybody drinks again!”. Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.
When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, “When I pay, everybody pays!”.
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you … you have the cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month”.
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints”.
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS”.
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion …”Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer…? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?”.
Murphy said, ” I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone”.
A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, “Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it”.
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it”. He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because…because I’ve got heartburn”.
The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beertender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martuni, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got heartburn, You have your left breast in the Ashtray!”