Parliament
What do you call someone in the Parliament who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist.

How Tall Is It?

A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a tape measure. This fellow couldn’t take it any more so he asks what they were doing. They said, “We are measuring this pole.” The man asks, “Why didn’t you measure it on the ground?” They said, “We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.”

Bar… Monkey

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!

Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

No, what? replied the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!” said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

High Tech Man

A man walks into a bar and sits down right across from the bartender. The bartender sees the man poking at his hand and putting it next to his ear, and asks him, “What are you doing?

The man replies, “Oh, it’s the newest technology — I have a phone built right into my hand.” The man puts his hand next to the bartender’s ear and, sure enough, the bartender hears a dial tone.

After a few drinks, the man goes into the bathroom. The bartender notices that he has been gone for almost a half-hour. Concerned, he goes into the bathroom to check it out. When he walks in, he sees the man with his hands on the wall standing with his legs apart and pants down. He has the end of a roll of paper towels shoved up his butt. Shocked, the bartender yells, “What are you doing?!”

The man groans and replies, “I’m waiting for a fax.”

Ya Wanna Find Jesus?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

Sure, said the drunk man. “I’ll find Jesus.” So the priest took the drunk man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

Damn, said the drunk man. “Are you sure he fell in there?”

Honeymoon Dilemma

A guy enters a bar and he finds a friend of his. So he sits down with his friend and tells him, “Friend, I got a dilemma.” The friend asks him, “What’s the problem?”
He says, “Well, I went on my honeymoon and I was excited because I would make love to her for the first time.” And the friend asks, “So what is the problem?” “Let me finish,” says the friend. “When the time came, my wife took out her orthopaedic leg, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her arm, and put it in the closet. Then she took out her eye, and finally took off her hair and put them both in the closet.”
“Wow,” says his friend, “and what seems to be the dilemma?”
“Well,” says the guy, “I don’t know if I should make love to her on the bed or the closet.”

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”

The bartender says, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

Bacon and Eggs

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

Mushroom into Bar

A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender walks over and says, ”I’m sorry sir, but we don’t serve your kind here.”

The mushroom sits back and asks ,”Why not? I’m a fun guy!