A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife in bed with the mailman. Before they detect him, he sneaks back into the hall, finds the mail bag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business, and seals them tight.
Ha ha ha, he snickers, “that lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for me now!”
A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband.
The instant she saw him she starts crying.
One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he as wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, “Hey, I know you’re hungry, too. Why don’t you eat some of this cat?”
“Hell no!!!” replies the second bum, “That cat’s been dead for days, he’s all stiff and cold and smelly!”
The first bum says, “Okay, suit yourself,” and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, “Oh, I don’t feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat.”
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, “Now you’re talkin’! It’s been months since I had a WARM meal!!!”
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A bobby pulled him over and told him, “Oi, you can’t drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo.”
The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.
The same bobby pulled him over. “Oi,” he said, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!”, the bobby said. The man answered, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies. “
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away, the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.
A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away. He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away. He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away. Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!”
Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.