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Crappy Story

Posted in Animals

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said “I’ve had enough of this flying south every winter, I’ll just stay right here on this farm, what’s the big deal, anyway?”

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry.

“Why did I stay?” he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, “Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I’ll get him for this!”

The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.

Human Monkey

Posted in Animals

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zoo keeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zoo keeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.”

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

“Help, Help me!” he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

Pig Jokes

Posted in Animals

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York?
Pig pockets.

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs?
A pig tail!

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!

How do you take a pig to hospital?
By hambulance!

What do pigs do on nice afternoons?
They go on pignics.

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!

Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so quickly?
They squealed on each other.

Who is the greatest painter of this century?
Pigcasso!

Where do bad pigs go?
They get sent to the pen.

Why did the pig send his story to New York?
He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

Elephant’s Mating Season

Posted in Animals

A guy applies for a job at the zoo. The head keeper of the zoo said, “Your job will be to clean out the elephant cage. But, I have to warn you it’s mating season and they will jump on just about anything.” “Don’t worry” the guy replied, “I’ve worked with elephants before”..

Half way through his first day he goes running in to the head keeper’s office screaming, “I quit, one of those elephants cornered me and now my asshole is the size of a basketball”.

“That can’t be true,” replied the head keeper, “if you worked with elephants before you know their penises are about as round as a grapefruit”.

“I know, I know” the guy screams, “but, he fingered me first!”