Insect jokes

Why are mosquitos religious ?They prey on you !

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, he finally says, “It’s got to be your ears!” Astounded, and a little hurt she asks, “My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin – no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?” Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me.”

“DID YOU SAY HUMANS PLAY IT FOR FUN?”
“Some of them get to be very good at it, yes. I’m only an amateur, I’m afraid”
“BUT THEY ONLY LIVE EIGHTY OR NINETY YEARS!”
The joys of bridge
(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)

If broomsticks were cars, this one would be a split-window Morris Minor.
– (Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites)

The people who really run organizations are usually found several levels down, where it is still possible to get things done.
– (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens.
[footnote: The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit]
– (Terry Pratchett, Sourcery)

“Not a man to mince words. People, yes. But not words.”
– (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

The students were staring at her in the manner of those who have heard of the species ‘female’ but have never expected to get this close to one.
– (Terry Pratchett, Soul Music)

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”
– (Terry Pratchett, Jingo)