Q: How does an Essex Girl relieve stress?
A. Changes hands.

Q: Why did the Essex girl fail her driving test?
A. She forgot to check the mirror before going down on the examiner.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a carpenter?
A. Essex girl has longer nails.

Q: What happened to the Essex girl who bought a vibrator?
A. She knocked all her teeth out.

Q: What is Essex girl’s idea of sophistication?
A. Malibu-flavoured condoms.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and Heinz Tomato Soup?
A. There’s no artificial colouring in Heinz Tomato soup.

Q: What is the Essex Girl attachment on a Swiss Army Knife for?
A. Getting feet out of steering wheels.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and a turkey?
A. A turkey doesn’t gobble at night.

Q: How do you find an Essex girl’s G-spot?
A. Promise her a weekend in Marbella.

Q: How do you confuse an Essex girl?
A. Take her out in a left hand drive car.

Q: Why does an Essex girl where cheap perfume?
A. To keep the flies off her kebab.

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

No way, replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”

God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers fighting over a penny.