A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a trim before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

“I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.” Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whir. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures – 25 cents.”

“Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives — 50 cents.”

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, unzipped his fly and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis…with a button perfectly sewn on top.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.

After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says “I’ll show you,” and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

See that? said the trucker. The man said, “Yeah.” The trucker ask the man, “You want to try it?”

The man said, “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack.

How did that happen? asks the first guy.

Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for her, but couldn’t find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot.

Geez, says the first guy. “If you’d've opened the fridge, we’d both be alive right now.”

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take ‘em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand.

However, the night doesn’t quite turn out as planned. Since he’s had too much to drink, one of the midgets can’t get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say “1, 2, 3, huh,” over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.

Man, did that suck. I was soft all night.

You think that’s bad, said the other midget. “I couldn’t even get onto the bed.”