A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she’s lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

Animals | Email to a friend | 301 views

A thief in Paris almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre, but was
captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a bold crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Oh boy, and you thought I lacked DeGaulle to tell you a story like that!.

Misc | Email to a friend | 401 views

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?

3. Would you use the bucket?

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“Noooooo,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

Misc | Email to a friend | 350 views

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, “St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!” St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn”t make it to Heaven.” This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”

My son, St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”

Religion | Email to a friend | 341 views

Rearranging our schedule can bias time.
People who make necklaces may get beady eyes.
People have a happy time vacationing in Ireland because they are walking on Eire.
People adorned with Bogus Deuterium Ingots aroused suspicion. Most people said they didn’t trust anyone with BDIs.
An opinionated but cheap person never truly gives their two cents.
They tried to keep a locksmith in prison, but the nut bolted.
People who get complimented on their hair usually let it go to their head.
My wife is trying to lose weight but continues to frequent the coffee shops for rich beverages and delicacies. You could say she is making a moccary of her diet.
The research assistant couldn’t experiment with plants because he hadn’t botany.
Nobody listens to Bugs Bunny, its all haresay.
A dry cleaner was indicted with charges pressed for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.
Do dentists of foreign extraction pull teeth rootinely?
My mother’s sister is the antonym of my uncle.
I just offered someone a job and they accepted, so I offered him my contractulations.
An inspirational message on a sign outside of a coal mine said ‘Keep Adit!’.
In the old days yelling at your neighbor across the street was a long distance call.
My sweet mother got so old she granulated.
My rechargeable batteries are revolting.
Old school principals never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old pilots never die, they just get more turbulent.

Puns | Email to a friend | 434 views