Q: Why did the blonde sell her television?
A: To buy a VCR!

Out of the mouths of babes comes the Dead Cat Test, a true story:

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat.
She asked if it was dead or alive. Dead, she was informed.
“How do you know?”, she asked. “Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went’pssst’ and he didn’t move.”

A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells “Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph”. Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph over and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph’s face.

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that – I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” his wife replied.