A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.

He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, “Pig #1, do you know your mission?”

The pig replies, “Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.”

Then NASA Control asks the second pig, “Pig #2, do you know your mission?”

The second pig replies, “Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink.”

Then NASA asks the blonde, “Blonde woman, do you know your mission?”

The blonde woman replies, “Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. ‘Feed the pigs – and DON’T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!”

Albert Einstein:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road crossed the chicken, depends upon your frame of reference.

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please Lord,” he implored, “let it be blood!!”