Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters?
A: Because they kept losing their matches!

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it.” The blond replies “Shut up, you’re next.”

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that read $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first … that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird carefully looked around the room, then it looked at her and said, “New house … new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the parrot looked at both of them, and said, “New house … new madam … new hookers.” The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began to laugh at out the whole situation. She then began to think about how to explain this to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. Before he had time to close the door, the bird took one look at him and said, “Hi Keith.”