A nun at a Catholic school is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Mary declares, “I want to be a prostitute.”
“What did you say?” asks the nun.
“I said I want to be a prostitute,” Mary repeats.
“Oh, thank heavens,” says the nun. “I thought you said a Protestant!”

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Little Johnny’s mother took him to church one Sunday.

While in church Johnny said, “Mom, I have to pee.”

“Johnny”, the mother began, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, Johnny went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, “Dad, I have to whisper.”

His father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

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A little brown paper bag wasn’t feeling very well one day, so he decided to take himself off to the doctor. “Doctor, I don’t feel so good.” Said the little bag. “Well,” said the doctor “you look okay, but lets do some blood tests and see if we can find out what’s wrong with you. Come back and see me in a week.” The little brown paper bag wasn’t feeling any better when he went back to get the results. “What’s wrong with me, doctor?” He asked. “I’m afraid you’re HIV positive.” Said the doctor. “NO!” Cried the little bag, “I can’t be! I’m only a little paper bag!” “Have you been having unprotected sex?” Asked the doctor. “No, I told you, I can’t do things like that! I’m only a little paper bag!” “Well then, are you having a homosexual relationship?” “No, I’ve already said, I can’t do things like that. I’m only a little paper bag for heavens sake!” “In that case,” said the doctor “there’s only one possible explanation…”

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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