A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Well, hell, man, you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “24 hours! Thats terrible!!! What could be Worse?! What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Q: Why doesn’t Tigger have any friends?

A: He plays with Pooh

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor’s for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, “Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?”

And the man answered, “Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he’s so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.”

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man’s wife and said, “I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?”

And she said, “That idiot, he’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”