A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate’s peg leg, eye patch and hook.

“So tell me,” asks the sailor, “how did you come to lose that leg?”

“Arrgh,” says the pirate, “‘Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I’ve had this peg leg ever since.”

“Wow!” says the sailor. “And how’d you get the hook?”

“We was fighting at close quarters,” says the pirate. “Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I’ve had this hook ever since.”

“Amazing!” says the sailor. “And what about the eye patch?”

“Arrgh,” says the pirate. “‘Twas a seagull pooped in me eye.”

“A seagull?” asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

“Well, I should explain,” says the pirate. “‘Twas me first day with the new hook.”

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t, we’ll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!”

St. Peter asked the first man, “How long were you married?”

The guy replied, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asked, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy said, “Yeah, about 10 times… but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “Yes, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that. Here’s a Mercedes SUV for you to drive.”

The third guy said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “Now that’s what I like to hear! Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive.”

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!