Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “what are you up to there, Johnny?” “My goldfish died,” replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was concerned, “that’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “that’s because he’s inside your f****** cat.”

Not being able to decide what to get his wife for Christmas, a man walked into a pet shop and asked for a bird that sings Christmas Carols.The pet shop owner said “Here” and he lit a match and stuck it under the bird’s left foot. It began to sing Jingle Bell Rock, when he stuck the match under it’s right foot it began to sing Silent Night. The man curiously asked “What happens if you stick the match in the middle?” The pet shop owner had no idea and being curious himself lit the match and stuck it in the middle, the bird began singing “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire….”

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.
Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason? Seamus stared at the reporter and said, “Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year? The Lady (getting embarrassed): ” Well sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease? Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day? Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? I’m getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn’t you go f****** mad?