Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says “Olive or Twist?”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

You’re finished already? he asked.

Yes, the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

And by the way, the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Q: How do sheep greet each other at Christmas?
A: Merry Christmas to Ewe!

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a West Virginian mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . the Army is still looking for him.