A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Mother,” says the nun.
“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no.” says the nun.
“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet.
As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, It flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the f****** putt, didn’t you?”

A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?? The farmer shook his head and replied, Some things you just can?t explain.

So what happened that?s so horrible?? the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. Well, the farmer said, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Okay, said the man, but that’s not so bad.? Some things you just can?t explain, the farmer replied.

So what happened then?? the man asked. The farmer said, I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. And then?? Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ?bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.? Man laughed and said, Again?? The farmer replied, Some things you just can?t explain.

So, what did you do then?? the man asked. ?I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. And then?? ?Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.? Hmmm?? the man said and nodded his head. Some things you just can’t explain,? the farmer said.

So, what did you do the man asked. Well, the farmer said, ?I didn?t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in?. Some things you just can’t explain.

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ‘em forever!”
The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.
His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”