A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Español?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, “Praise the Lord!”

Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There ain’t no Lord!”

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, “Praise the Lord!”

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those groceries, and there ain’t no Lord.”

Grandmother replied, “Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it.”

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story is: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.